“What are you doing this year?” The 6 most frequently strung together words that gets thrown to me. The words I hate most because the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be. The words I hate because it seems to be a constant reminder of dreams (and effort) that became my life’s greatest disappointments thus far. However recently I’ve had a change in my reaction towards this question. The same answer to this dreaded question yet it is no longer filled with fear and disappointment but rather a God-hope of endless possibilities
Growing up, I’ve always had my entire life mapped out in a detailed timeline and every now and then I’d adjust the timeline to make space for the minor changes. Recently I had the insufferable heartbreak of having to completely dispose of this timeline. Why? Well, because of God. I wish I could say that I dealt with this in a graceful way and kept a steady faith but truthfully, that disappointment shattered my faith to the point of not loving God as much as I use to. I didn’t realise the effect this had on me until one of my closest friends confronted me about it. He pulled me aside one Sunday after church and called me out on the lack of passion I was serving with and basically told me that I needed to take time to fall back in love with Jesus again. I knew he was right but my heart had become so hardened that I didn’t want to believe it. I knew that I hadn’t been able to experience the presence of God like I use to but the disappointment inside of me was holding me back from even trying.
The next morning though I tried to start praying again. It was probably the most awkward prayer I’ve ever prayed. You know when you see your best friend from school days for the first time in years and instead of it being natural, it’s the most uncomfortable small talk? That was this prayer. I had nothing to say to God. I sat playing my most spiritual compilation of worship music waiting for God to speak and nothing happened. What I didn’t realise was that while I sat waiting for God, God was orchestrating a sequence of past, present and future events to get me to a place where my hearts obsession was Him again. I was so fixated on an instant fix that frustration began to build up again and I closed my bible and went to the internet. I needed a distraction but in the midst of me running away from God, I somehow landed right where He needed me. If I were to write in detail everything God had put in my path (every conversation, song, sermon, verse and more) this post would never end. Instead, I’ve made a list of the pinnacle moments that led my heart back to God ( see below).
As a young adults, we’re faced with fitting in the mould of society. Graduate high school, go to college/ university get your degree in 4 years, begin working, get married and settle down by 30. Not fitting this mould can be taxing emotionally. I felt the pain of the disappointment that comes with this but in the midst of that pain, I experience a God who has a greater plan, a greater love and grace in abundance. I pray that if you are in a season of uncertainty and disappointment, you experience this too. God hurts when we hurt and rejoices when we rejoice. But the victory and joy we receive from the cross belongs to all who call Him Father and serves as the only symbol of hope we truly need. He is enough. A thousand times enough. In every season, He is enough.
WHAT GOT ME THROUGH THIS SEASON:
- I would pray two prayers over and over again:
- Lord, until you give me answers, give me peace
- Lord, teach me to brave every wave that tries to knock me down. Teach me to swim in the storms that once drowned me.
- These two blog posts served as reminders of God’s faithfulness:
- Worship music that comforted me (note: you will cry):
- Scripture that I meditated on:
2 Peter 3:9