I seem to find myself in a constant spiral of praying profound prayers but then finding myself slightly disappointed when God answers them. The latest of these “mature Christian prayers” seem to be the worst one yet.
Full disclosure, I do not care about human emotions as naturally as others do. More eloquently put, I struggle to feel empathy as easily as most of the people do. So as any good Christian would I prayed:
“Lord, break my heart and mould it into one like Jesus. Change my heart from a self-focused heart to a compassionate one. Allow me to see you in everyone”
Beautiful? I know right. But unfortunately (for me), God is faithful and actually answered this. The result was uncomfortable. Suddenly, the blind eye I turned to so many things had perfect vision and I could no longer ignore it. Worst of all, I realised that I was more part the problem than the solution, often justifying injustice with my faith. And to humanity, I’d like to apologise for that.
I apologise for all the times I used my faith to discriminate when it calls for me to be all inclusive. For all the times my face judged your sin because my pride decided my sin was less sinful than yours. To the marginalised, I owe you the greatest apology. I’m sorry for condemning you before loving you or even listening to you. And above all, I’m sorry that the gospel that was meant to bring you freedom has enslaved you. Not because it isn’t perfect but because of those who have adjusted it’s meaning to fit their societal norms.
I’m sorry for being a Christian who kept quite in the face of injustice, the Christian who silently stood back because acknowledging your pain would challenge my faith. The Christian who let close-minded, bigoted and offensive remarks go by because the oppressor and privileged may feel guilty and not like me. I’m sorry I wasn’t the Christian Jesus intended me to be. I’m sorry that the fear I carry of being crucified like Jesus prevented me from living and loving like Jesus. I’m sorry for being a Christian who wasn’t Christ-like.
And although this post doesn’t make up for my selfish behaviour, it may be the start of my hearts transformation.