Towards the end of last year, I started praying and journaling and dreaming about this year. I wrote down my plans and submitted it before God (I wanted to work a certain “dream” job, I wanted financial independence, I wanted to live in a cute little apartment, etc). As I submitted them before my hypothetical altar, it gave my heart this uneasy feeling and I heard the gentle whisper which I knew to be the Holy spirit say “Be prepared to be buried. Be prepared for a difficult season of stretching and anonymity and unknown. Be prepared to learn what it means to choose obedience and submission when it isn’t the obvious choice”. This is not what anyone want to hear. So I fought it. I denied it. And to the best of my knowledge, I tried to biblically disprove it.
Yet, I find myself in the most stretching season of my life. And it proved biblically true. I’ve found thorns in my flesh that have humbled me. I’ve found myself in the crushing and pressing and it hurts. I do have full assurance that what God is doing is going to be beautiful, but it still pains my heart to go through this season blindly.
A few weeks ago, we introduced a new song in church called New Wine (go listen to the song, go listen to the album. It’s something else). Every line of that song spoke to my current situation. But there’s 4 lines that might as well been addressed to me personally.
“In the soil I now surrender.
You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand.
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”
Surrender is not pretty. Obedience is not comfortable. Trust is not easy. The combination of these is painful. Sometimes, especially as Christians, we down play the difficulty of these choices. We downplay the difficulty because “what would Jesus do”. But over the weekend of easter I’ve realised what the answer of that would be. Jesus would weep. Jesus would sweat blood. And Jesus would pray for the cup of suffering to pass. That’s His humanity. His faith, however, would still choose to surrender while in sorrow. He would still choose obedience will trembling. He chose trust while not understanding.
I’ve cried a lot this year. I’ve blamed it on PMS’ing but that doesn’t last 4 months so I’ve had to accept that maybe I was crying because I didn’t know what God was doing and still don’t know. I had to accept that I was crying because I don’t have the answers or the resource or the ability to create the provision I need. I was crying because I was buried in soil and it is scary and dark and uncomfortable.
And I’ve slowly and painfully only now begun to realise that being buried in the soil, even if it is what God intended, is still a dark season of not seeing the light for a little bit as you slowly grow through the dirt towards the sun.
And I’ve slowly begun to submit to the process of allowing the promises of God come true and allowing God to make me whatever He wants me to be. It is becoming my choice to be used by God, albeit painful and illogical. And although this is still a painful season, it is learning obedience without hesitation.